Today, December 26th marks the official end of Christmas. Since the show ended on the 20th my head has been spinning, and I just wanted to focus on family and make it through my first Christmas without my Nana and Grandma. I appreciate everyone's patience and I of course know that everyone is confused about what went down with Chris and I. Since you have all been so supportive and ultimately emotionally invested in the process, my journey and our relationship, I am happy to share a final piece on the situation before I close my Bachelor Canada chapter and fully move FORWARD with my life. So here we go:
What Chris and I had was special from day 1. It is undeniable. Guys, I am WEIRD. And there haven't been too many people in my life who not only get my weirdness, but think it is the most endearing thing in the universe. Both full of sarcasm wit, and inappropriate jokes, the comfort level was REAL. It was easy for us (until it wasn't) We got each other immediately. Chris and I both knew it wasn't our time to get engaged during the finale. With me understanding divorce, and him understanding a 40 year marriage, we simply did not take it lightly. I also had concerns and had seen some red flags, but it was hard to tell at times if they were because of the unique nature of the situation we were in or if they were real. I just wanted to do real life with Chris and see how the relationship felt when existing outside of our little love Bach Bubble. With love, there is no rush, and I totally and completely fell in love with Chris. He made me laugh, he made me feel special, he made me feel safe. (until he didn't)
Following the finale in Mexico we flew back to Toronto and maintained our relationship for about a month. He seemed so completely invested in me for that short time and I found myself saying WOW... I am actually experiencing pure happiness for the first time.. I have everything I want in this moment - LIFE IS GOOD. Until it wasn't. One day Chris came over and told me he had a change of heart and didn't want to even have a girlfriend never mind start a life with me, he just was not ready. My heart shattered. Having that feeling of happiness ripped away from me so quickly and with such confused reasoning was something I had never dealt with before. I have experienced heartache via mutual break ups, but it was the first time I had really been D U M P E D. And it killed. I sobbed in his arms and when he left my house I sat there wondering W T F just happened? Why? What was wrong with me that he didn't love me and want me in his life when all I ever did was love, cherish and be there for him. He had tried to explain himself to me but I still had no clarity from his words, no closure. I thought we were so happy. In other words I was in SHOCK. Chris told me that day he simply realized he wasn't ready to settle down. That he needed to work on himself and be a better man and figure out his life, his next career move. I told him I wanted to figure it out with him but he felt this was something he had to go through alone. It hurt like hell but I understand the importance of self growth and self love, and at the end of the day all I wanted then, and still do now, is for the guy to be happy. You have to find your own happiness before you can properly show up for a partner. And the bottom line for me is always this - I don't ever want to ever be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. No one deserves that. But It was still so hard not to take it personally, I struggled with it and still do, but in life you have to know your WORTH. YOU need to set the standards for how others treat you.
I continued to be there for Chris as a friend as much as I could, but it got to the point that we were no longer talking. I tried very hard to move on and was finally feeling strong and confident again. Without my BachCan girls I would have been a serious disaster. Going through this all was hard, but on top of that there is a contract in which you cannot speak on what happened until it is over (obviously). I couldn't call up friends to vent. I could talk to my family but the situation of the show, especially my specific situation, was so unique and difficult for anyone who hadn't DONE the show to truly comprehend. It was a very lonely time for me. Jessie, Lyndsey, Catie, Stacy, April, Lisa, Meaghs - you guys listened even when you probably didn't want to (heck, we all dated the same dude here) and made me feel like it was going to be OK. Through all the ups and downs, the countless tears, anxiety, panic attacks to the point of vomitting, and general SPIRALS they were THERE. I don't know where I would be without these newfound angels. Especially my roommate Ms. Baker. My rock.
I wish it ended there, and some people wonder why 6 months since filming I am still quite hurt. I had essentially healed, until in mid November Chris entered into my life once more. We spoke on how he had grown over the past 5 months, and he expressed his undying love for me in a way that felt so honest I believed it. I truly thought a second chance would provide the happy ending to the love story I so coveted in the summer. I felt that sense of happy all over again. Until I didn't. A week later he shut me out and broke my heart for a second time in telling me "I'm sorry, I can't do this." It felt even worse than the first time. I haven't ever felt as dumb as I did that week for letting him back into my heart. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I publicly apologize for calling him a rude name on my live feed - that is not who I am. I would be lying if I said I felt emotional stability the night the finale aired. I hadn't yet properly processed the second heart break and I reacted poorly. Chris has work to do as he expressed in his finale IG post, and even after all of this I still care about him as a person very deeply. We have been through things that I will never share, as they are our own. I know the true, real, beautiful sides of Chris and I know him in a way most people never will. I may not ever fully understand why he did the show, why he didn't see how special what we had was, and why he wouldn't fight for me, but I am moving on and I know I will one day find someone that will.
Thank you to EVERYONE for the messages, love, support and kind words. Without it I wouldn't of been as strong as I am now. Everything happens for a reason and everyone who comes into your life is either a blessing or a lesson. I thought Chris was my blessing, but he has been the biggest lesson and I am grateful to him for helping me realize what I truly deserve - unconditional love.
Always trust the process.
XO - MIK